I am the worst

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Timothy 1:15-17)
                  
In addition to being a pastor, I am a licensed professional counselor, and on occasion I counsel couples who are struggling in their marriage. At some point in most sessions, the couple inevitably falls into a predictable pattern: they argue back and forth about who is more responsible for their miserable state. Some call this pattern "It's not me, it's you"; others call it "Who's the worse sinner?" Whatever you call it, one thing is abundantly clear:  no one ever wins. The argument typically ends with someone storming out or shutting down, or with both partners looking to me for validation that they are innocent and that their partner is clearly at fault.

The last time I found myself observing this pattern, I waited for a lull in the conversation and asked if I could offer a different perspective. I pulled out my Bible and read Paul's words from 1 Timothy 1:15-17. In this letter, written by Paul to his protege Timothy, who was pastoring the church in Ephesus, Paul tells Timothy that he - Paul, the man of God, planter of churches and author of several letters that would come to be included in the Bible - considered himself the worst of sinners. Others, including possibly Timothy, may have put Paul on a pedestal, in awe of his faith and accomplishments, but Paul knew the truth about himself. He knew what he had done, how he still struggled, and how far short he fell of God's holy standard. Like the couple to whom I was speaking, he dared to play the comparison game. But unlike that couple, he did not play in order to justify himself, but in order to be brutally honest about his sins and shortcomings.

The next verse, however, sets this exercise in its proper perspective. Paul's admission of his failures does not lead him to depression, nor does it lead him to try to drag Timothy down to his level by pointing out his protege's sins. Instead, Paul sets his eyes on Jesus and the gospel, and proclaims that despite his sin, Jesus has been merciful towards him, patient with him, and that He gave His life for him on the cross out of love. And the juxtaposition of Paul's depravity with Jesus' love and mercy causes Paul, in verse 17, to explode with rejoicing, giving God the glory and praise that He deserves.

There is a way out of the terrible "It's not me, it's you" cycle that does involve storming out or shutting down. It begins by humbly recognizing, as Paul did, the depth of our sin without trying to justify ourselves or make excuses. The truth is that yes, I can be thoughtless and insensitive. I can be selfish and mean. I can be unappreciative and take you for granted. I do wrongly prioritize things above you and am not there for you when you need me. I can act in ways that are unloving or disrespectful. But Jesus knows all of these things and more about me, and instead of rejecting me, He gave His life for me, forgave me, and is at work replacing my sin with His holiness.

And so, when you point out my sins to me, or tell me how I have hurt you - even when it feels like an attack - I do not need to get defensive or attack back. I already know that I am the worst of sinners, fully capable of what you accuse me of, and of so much more. But I also know that in Christ, my identity is no longer tied up in my sins and failings. And so, I do not need to get depressed, nor do I need to drag you down to my level. Instead, I can listen to you. I can consider whether there is truth in what you share. I can acknowledge how I have hurt you. I can confess, and I can repent. And I can ask the Holy Spirit to help me to truly change.

How would it change your mental and spiritual health and your relationships if you were able to follow Paul's example in 1 Timothy 1:15-17? Be brutally honest about the depth of your sin, and then see Jesus dying for every last one of them, that you too might rejoice in the amazing grace and mercy of God, and live humbly with the people in your life.