Stop arguing, and start listening

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:19-20)

There are many times in which I find myself in a conversation where the other person has said something to me that I find hurtful or unfair. My natural response is to get defensive and want to argue back, to prove that the other person is wrong and that I am right. However, my natural response does not usually result in understanding and a closer connection. Rather, it usually ends up in raised voices, hurt feelings, and emotional distance. Can anyone relate? Isn’t there a better way?

The passage from James that is listed above spells out a better solution: be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. What if, instead of responding to a hurtful or unfair comment with arguing, we instead acknowledged to ourselves and to God that we are feeling hurt, but decided to courageously press in for understanding instead of arguing? What if, instead of saying “well this is how I feel…” we said something like this:

Tell me more about why you feel that way.
Help me better understand where you are coming from.
What do you need from me right now?
What is making this situation so difficult or stressful for you?
What are you most concerned about right now?


Perhaps if we chose to listen a bit longer before choosing to speak (especially if it is out of anger), then we might come to a better understanding of why the other person feels or thinks the way that they do. Maybe, as we listen carefully and communicate our understanding (or press for a better understanding), the other person might feel heard and feel like we care. And just maybe, this would soften the tension and lead to a more productive conversation when the time is finally right for us to open our mouth and share our perspective.

Relationships are hard, but we often make them harder by responding in anger and escalating an already difficult situation. But God gives us a better way – be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. The next time you are in such a situation, why not try using some of the sentences listed above, and then really listen and seek to understand.

Posted in
Posted in

No Comments


Recent

Archive

 2023

Categories

Tags

1 Corinthians 10 1 Peter 4:8-9 1 Thessalonians 5 1 Timothy 1:15-17 2 Corinthians 13:5 2 Timothy 4 Abundant Life Adoption Affirmation American cullture America Anger Anonymity Anthropology Anxiety Apologetics Approval Arguments Atheism Baptism Barnabas Battle Be still Bible Study Bible reading Bible study fellowship Bible Billy Graham Bob Pierce Bonhoeffer Books Breath Prayer Brennan Manning Brian Fearon Bronx Busyness C.S. Lewis Cape Coast Castle Central African Republic Character Charles Spurgeon Charleston Cheap grace Christian media Christian privilege Christian publishing Christmas Church growth Church life Church College Commitment Communication Community Compassion Competition Confidence Contentment Coronavirus Counseling Courage Cove Service Cowardice Craig Wolfram Critical Race Theory Criticism Cross Culture D.L. Moody Daniel David Death Deborah Despair Discernment Discipleship Discipline Distractions Divine sovereignty Division E.M Bounds Easter Ebenzer Ecuador Edward Kimball Election Elisabeth Elliot Enabling Encouragement Endurance Envy Ephesians Eternal life Eternity Evaluation Evangelism Faith False Teachers Fame Family Fasting Father Fear Fellowship Footwashing Forgiveness Francis Chan Freedom Friendship Gaia McDermott Gates George Mueller Gift exchange Gino Marozzi Giving Glory God's character God's faithfulness God's goodness God's leading God's love God's plan God's presence God's slowness God's sovereignty God's wrath God\'s faithfulness God\'s love God\'s presence God\'s sovereignty God\\\'s presence God Good Samaritan Gospel Grace Grief Haiti Handel's Messiah Happiness Hartford City Mission Healing Heaven Hebrews 11 Hell Hiddenness of God History Holiness Hollywood Holy Spirit Home Honesty Hope Horatio Spafford Hospitality Houston Human responsibility Human rights Humility Hypocrisy Identity Ideologies Idols Immanuel In memory of Information overload Injustice Insecurity Integrity Intimacy Isaiah 9 Israel JI Packer Jeremiah 29:11 Jeremiah 8:11 Jesus' death Jesus' love Jesus\' love Jesus Job Joe Barone John 6 John 8 John Mark Comer John Newton Jordan Perterson Joseph Joshua Joy Judgement Judges Justice Kanye West Kingdom of God Knowing God Lamentations Lament Las Vegas Leadership Leaf by Niggle Lent Les Miserables Lessons learned Loaves and fishes Longing Lord's Prayer Love Luke 10 Lynne Pleau Mark 10:21 Mark Driscoll Marketing Marriage counseling Matthew 16 Matthew 26 Memorial Day Men's conference Mercy Mike Yaconelli Ministry of presence Ministry Missions Money Moralistic Therapeutic Deism Moses Music Nancy Butler New Year's New life NewLife Old Testament Opinions Optimism Order Orlando Outreach Parenting Passion of the Christ Passion Pastoral care Pastoral ministry Patience Peace Pentecost Peru Phil Vaglica Philip Yancey Philippians 4:13 Play Pokemon Go Politics Poverty Power Prayer Preaching Pride Month Pride Prison ministry Progress Prophecy Prophet Prosperity Gospel Proverbs 14:4 Proverbs Psalm 13 Psalm 27 Psalm 37 Psalm 46:10 Psalm 46 Psalm 51 Public Speaking Purpose R.C Sproul Reflection Relationship with God Relationships Relativism Relevance Religion Reputation Rest Resurrection Rev 2:4 Revival Rich young ruler Righteousness Romantic love Ron Luce Running Sabbath Sacrifice Salvation Same-sex marriage Samuel Sanctification Satan Saul Seculosity Self-Image Self-Worth Service Sex Trafficking Sex Shirley Prey Signifigance Silence Sin Smartphones Social justice Songs of Ascent Spiritual Disciplines Spiritual Formation Spiritual Gifts Spiritual Warfare Spiritual growth Statues Stories Street Church Stress Success Suffering Suicide Sunday School Survivor Syria Technology Teen Mania Thanksgiving The Hartford project The Ragman The Sound of freedom The Underground The Valley of Vision Theology Tim Keller Titanic Titus 2:11-12 Tolkienn Tozer Trauma Trevin Wax Trust Truth Uconn basketball Unanswered Prayer Unity Uvalde Valley of Vision Vows Waiting Williams Syndrome Wisdom Witness Work Worry Worship Zechariah accountability accusation addiction bitterness cancel culture child trafficking confession conflict cool devotion disillusionment divorce emotions evil evolution faithfulness foster care glory days gratitude idolatry influences listening marriage nostalgia pastor perspective problem of Evil prodigal son purity of heart racism recovery redemption relevant repentance story temptation the one Jesus loves time management treasure trials tribalism violence vision