Forgiving those who have hurt you

Today’s post is adapted from the February 26th, 2013 blog.

Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals-- one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One.” The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.” (Luke 23:32-37)

If you’ve lived long enough in this world, you’ve had to struggle with how to forgive someone who has hurt you. One of the steps that can help us to forgive people who have hurt, mistreated, or abused us is to work on understanding them and their story. When we are hurt, we tend to caricaturize the other person, blowing their faults and negative qualities out of proportion: “He’s a jerk.” “She’s just disrespectful.” “They are just awful people.” We see ourselves as complicated people, full of good and bad qualities, but when someone hurts us, we can tend to magnify their negative qualities and in the process dehumanize them and make it easier for us to feel like they deserve our hatred.

If this rings a bell in your life, one thing you can do is to try to combat this is to write or think out the offender’s story as best you can. Try to view them not just through your own eyes, but from their own perspective. What was life like for them growing up? What was life like for them when they hurt you? What do they struggle with? What is the larger context of your relationship with them? Who are they in a more global or religious perspective as a child of God or someone for whom Jesus died?

When you do this work, you may find that while their actions towards you continue to be inexcusable and wrong, you can at least understand why they did what they did, and gain some compassion towards them that will make the work of forgiveness a little easier. Martin Luther King Jr., in reflecting about how he treated those who were threatening his family, wrote the following: “We love men not because we like them, nor because their ways appeal to us, nor even because they possess some type of divine spark; we love every man because God loves him. At this level we love the person who does an evil deed, although we hate the deed that he does.”

Jesus, as he was being crucified, mocked, and abandoned on the cross, uttered some of the most profound words I have ever heard: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” In the midst of His intense and unjust suffering, He was able to view His offenders with compassion, for He knew the sin and blindness that caused them to act in violence towards Him, and He loved them as men and women created by God out of love. Out of that love and compassion, He was able to ask the Father to forgive them.

Whatever suffering and evil you have experienced, it was wrong, and you did not deserve it. And sadly, unless you are able to forgive, the offender will continue to have their way with you, twisting you into a bitter and resentful person. I encourage you to take some time to walk in their shoes, consider their story from their perspective, so that you might grow in compassion and find the will to forgive them as Jesus on the cross forgave you and finally be free of the bitterness and resentment.