Trust and intimacy

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:12-13)

If you have been alive in this world long enough, you have been hurt by someone. Perhaps a parent abused you, or a loved one betrayed you, or someone in authority condemned and mistreated you. And maybe, as a result, you have internalized the belief that people can not be trusted. Give a person enough time, you say, and they will hurt you, so better keep your guard up and watch your back.

I do not personally walk around with that outlook on the world, but I know many people who do. As I was reading Donald Miller’s latest book, Scary Close: Dropping the act and finding true intimacy, I came across a section that spoke to that internalized belief and really made me stop and think. In a conversation with a mentor of his, a man who works as the lead human trafficking and civil rights prosecutor in the U.S. Department of Justice, Don shared that he was coming to the realization that his newly married wife was not out to get him. As absurd as that statement sounded to his mentor, Don was coming to realize that perhaps people were not as bad as he thought they were, and that more than likely, the woman who had said yes to marrying him was certainly not out to hurt him. His mentor’s response gave me a lot to think about:

“I’m glad you had this revelation, Don… And I agree with you… It’s a tough question, you know. The heart of man. I’ve prosecuted some evil people… I’m talking about rapists and murderers. Leaders of child sex-trafficking rings. The works. And you want to know what they all have in common, Don? They all think people are out to get them. It’s causing me to wonder if distrust doesn’t bring out the worst in us. I know it’s a complicated issue, because nearly everybody I put in prison has been tragically abused and so it’s natural they don’t trust others and they see life as a kill-or-be-killed drama. But it makes me wonder about those of us who deal with the same issue in lesser percentages. I wonder about my own heart. Am I willing to be hurt occasionally and turn the other cheek in order to have a long-term, healthy relationship? I think you’re on to something here, and it’s good. I think the risk of trusting Betsy is worth the reward of intimacy.”

Wow. I have seen, to a small degree, what Don’s mentor observed: distrust can bring out the worst in us. Yes, distrusting people can occasionally save or protect us from the person who actually is out to hurt us, and when that happens it may reinforce in us that people can not be trusted. But distrusting everyone can also prevent us from having healthy intimacy or close relationships with people who truly want the best for us and have no intentions to harm us.

We know as Christians that every person is full of sin, and every relationship will inevitably be marked by some degree of pain, whether intentional or accidental. But if you are someone who goes through life from a place of distrust and suspicion, perhaps subconsciously assuming that everyone is out to get you, consider the effect that is having on your life and your relationships. Why not confess your hurts and fears to God, entrust your heart to Jesus, allowing Him to love and heal you, and then courageously take steps towards entering into genuine relationships with people in your life.