Quick to listen, slow to speak

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (James 1:19–20)

There are so many things that feel so very wrong in our world today. Between the wars, shootings, and political strife and the increasing rates of loneliness, anxiety and deaths of despair, I would not blame you if you have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. But there is good news: the darkness and brokenness around us provides real opportunities for us as followers of Jesus to display a better, more attractive way to live through our lives and our community.

In James 1:19-20, James calls us to a way of relating to one another that, if we are willing to heed, would certainly provide a shining example of light in the darkness. James warns against being too hasty and quick-tempered in our speech, exhorting his listeners to instead be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). We would be wise to take this instruction to heart.

I think it’s pretty evident in looking around our culture that we have a problem with our communication. The goal for many people seems to be to have the loudest or most provocative voice, to silence or condemn opposing viewpoints, and to live in an echo chamber of people who share their views. It is rare to find people who truly listen with a heart to understand and not just demolish. But as James says, this way of relating to others “does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20). Instead, it is causing cultural chaos and sowing seeds of division.

Stephen Covey, in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, calls one of the habits “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Even though you might have a strong opinion or feeling that you want the other person to hear and believe, the best way to be understood is paradoxically to shut your mouth and listen to the other person first. If you truly seek to understand the other person, then they will be much more likely to have the mental and emotional bandwidth to hear and understand where you are coming from.

When I am counseling couples, parents, or anyone else stuck in a difficult relationship, I tell them that the three most powerful words they can say are “tell me more.” Instead of turning the conversation back to our opinion, our feelings, and our perspective, asking someone to tell us more about what they just shared, what they are feeling, or what an experience was like for them is a powerful way to express care and to hopefully arrive at a deeper level of understanding.

Our world is full of people sharing their opinions, but it is short on people willing to truly listen and seek to understand. I pray that we would take advantage of this opportunity we have as followers of Jesus to love our neighbors and to create a community marked by listening, kindness, and empathy.